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Stephen Colbert on Capitol riot report: ‘Precisely what you thought, however worse than you imagined’ | Late-night TV roundup

Stephen Colbert

“The nation is slowly rising from a disaster that gripped not simply America however your entire globe,” mentioned Stephen Colbert on Tuesday night, “and we’re nonetheless surveying the injury of this unprecedented plague that misplaced to Joe Biden on November 3.”

Colbert dug into newly launched, damning particulars from the congressional investigation of the 6 January assault on the Capitol by a pro-Trump mob in an “sadly ongoing” phase known as “Precisely What You Thought, However Worse Than You Imagined”.

The Senate dropped its 127-page report on Tuesday detailing safety failures in the course of the assault, the product of greater than three months of interviews, hearings and the assessment of hundreds of pages of paperwork. “After all, everybody noticed it on TV because it occurred on January 6, making this the uncommon e book the place they made the film first,” joked Colbert.

“As a result of management didn’t take the risk severely, the Capitol police weren’t ready,” he defined, pointing to 1 officer’s testimony that he overheard a lieutenant repeatedly ask over the radio “does anyone have a plan?” as rioters sieged the Capitol.

“Oh, someone had a plan,” Colbert responded, “and he sat within the Oval Workplace pounding a bucket of hen whereas his followers carried it out.”

The report, nevertheless, “bizarrely” uncared for to deal with any position performed by the previous president in fomenting the riot. “He’s the entire cause the assault occurred within the first place!” exclaimed Colbert. “That’s like speaking about Christmas Eve and by no means mentioning Santa. Who did you permit the cookies and milk out for? Rudolph the Crimson-Eyed Rat?”

Trevor Noah

On the Every day Present, Trevor Noah defined a pointy flip in fortune for the cryptocurrency bitcoin, which has cratered in worth in current weeks amid crackdowns from China and the Inner Income Service. The cryptocurrency has additionally discovered an unlikely critic in Donald Trump, who known as bitcoin a “rip-off” in a current look on the Fox Enterprise Community.

“I might’ve thought Trump could be an enormous fan of bitcoin,” mentioned Noah. “I imply, it’s a approach to each conceal soiled cash and destroy the atmosphere on the similar time. What’s to not like?

“However consider, simply because Trump calls it a rip-off doesn’t imply that he’s in opposition to it,” Noah added. “It simply signifies that he’s most likely engaged on his personal model. Like I say there’s a 99% probability that by the tip of the 12 months, he’s going to introduce the Trump coin. ‘It’d seem like a Chuck-E-Cheese token, and you may solely use it at Chuck-E-Cheese, however that’s known as the blockchain.’”

Bitcoin’s worth additionally plummeted because of information on Monday that the justice division seized 63.7 bitcoins, the equal of $2.7m, half the ransom paid by Colonial pipeline to Russian hackers following a ransomware assault that crippled fuel strains within the south-eastern US. “This an enormous blow for bitcoin’s repute,” Noah defined, because the foreign money’s signature is its supposed untraceability. “I imply, bitcoin with out untracebility is like Superman with none powers. Now you’re just a few creep with this underwear on the surface.

“Bitcoin is dealing with lots of headwinds proper now,” he added, “from elevated regulation to the FBI monitoring it across the web prefer it’s a black man in a division retailer.”

Jimmy Kimmel

And in Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel cracked jokes a few sequence of maximum pure occasions, from heatwaves in lots of components of the US to the emergence of cicadas. “It’s by no means signal when the climate forecast ends with ‘simply because the Bible foretold’, nevertheless it has been taking place,” Kimmel mentioned.

Cicadas have swarmed components of the jap US after 17 years underground, trying to mate “like a bunch of sexy youngsters on promenade night time”, Kimmel joked. “They’re an fascinating creature: the explanation all of them come out on the similar time is as a result of it makes it not possible for predators to eat all of them directly. It’s like bottomless breadsticks at Olive Backyard, however for bugs.

“Between Covid, the warmth and these cicadas, it’s like somebody discovered an algorithm to verify we by no means go outdoors the home,” he added. “I believe Netflix is behind this.”

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